The Gospel According to Uncle Carl
Every fortnight I appear in The Drum, a magazine for creative and Marketing agencies. I answer a variety of questions about the day to day life of working in this less than glamorous sector. I am an aginy uncle. Uncle Carl.
Who better to set the scene than Gordon Young, Publisher of The Drum.
This column was to be about divine inspiration. Not always, however, from above. Occasionally from below.
Uncle Carl is a man who may have made his money below-the-line. But he also knows a lot about below-the-belt too. Don’t expect to find fluffy management speak here. In fact, the sort of jargon expressed in his articles is the sort of stuff that might make your old aunty blush. But the reason his fortnightly column in The Drum is read is because people see it as representing practical advice.
It understands that clients can be bastards, staff terrorists and agency owners their own worst enemy. In these musings you will find no easy answers. No formula to guarantee success. However, what you do gainis a feeling that the key weapon to succeed in the hurly burly world of latter day marketing is something called common sense.
Enjoy!
Dear Uncle Carl,
You’ve survived a recession, what’s the secret to success in tough times?
Although I personally survived the recession of the early nineties, 17 people I worked with didn’t. Back in the early nineties I was a simple, albeit fabulous and talented, employee. But it taught me a couple of lessons. First of all I realised that what I thought was great management, as our agency grew rapidly, was in fact, bad management. We had gone from four people to 117 in about eight years, but that growth had taken place in a growing sector and specifically a new ‘discipline’ – in effect, we had not jumped on a band wagon, we were driving it! So although the business looked very successful, the managers didn’t really know why we were successful or profitable – all they knew was that we were very busy and therefore kept adding staff. So as soon as clients tightened their belts, the whole model came crashing down – taking good employees with it. Also, within a year, the management team had left to start another ‘business’.
I have to add that all 17 people who were made redundant managed to get new jobs very quickly. On a personal note, I had to sit with the then creative director and work out the list of who was to go and who was to stay, which was horrible but also made me realise that the reason why my name wasn’t on the list was because I had made myself ‘indispensible’ – at the time anyway. Which again, as I say many times in this hallowed column, shows that if you do the best you can and add value you have little to fear…except the incompetence of your own managers.
Dear Uncle Carl,
As a creative, how can I keep myself motivated to do great innovative creative work when there is so much doom and gloom around and clients are increasingly playing it safe?
Surely, part of being a creative is the ability to be inspired to a creative response regardless of how open or tight the brief is? The fact that there is a backdrop of ‘doom and gloom’ is a red herring really; an excuse to say you can’t be arsed to be inspired or original. You respond to a client’s needs and a client’s brief – not to the state of the FTSE or exchange rate or current percentage of home repossessions. If your clients seem uninspired and safe then I think some of that falls to you and your inability to provide them with creative and inspiring solutions to their problems. I would also suggest that you could not sell interest free loans on a council estate. Why not give the client what you think they want, but also supply a response to what you believe their business actually needs. Point out how ‘safe’ their competition is, and that if they take calculated creative and brand risks, there could be a great opportunity to gain market share, to drive down customer acquisition costs, to move the perception of their brand, to reignite dormant customer activity – I don’t know what turns them on but you should! Find out and use it to create a more inspiring relationship… or perhaps you aren’t that ‘creative’ after all.
Dear Uncle Carl,
What positives do you think come out of a recession?
Recessions are like a forest fire – they sweep across the forest of our marketing land and it will immediately burn away all the weedy little agencies and the badly run agencies that were just clinging on and surviving. It will clear space for new breakaway agencies to start; perhaps these will be run by people who lost their roles in other, not so well managed, agencies. The recession will scorch and hurt established ‘big tree’ agencies but it won’t kill them off; they will simply learn lessons and perhaps lose a few straggling individuals and clients. If they learn from it, it will put them in better shape when the fires of the recession die down. For all of us, it will clear away the dead wood to show us who are the strong vibrant agencies and individuals and also who are the right kind of clients to work for who also have good businesses as well as who the robust suppliers are to help us build our businesses in the future.
Dear Uncle Carl,
Everyone says there is a recession on but my agency is doing better than ever. Is now the time to start acquiring other agencies on the cheap and how should I make my approaches to potential targets?
Congrats on your current success. But be careful as success is a poor teacher as I witnessed in the nineties – we were successful right up to the point where the clients stopped spending money! I have to agree that if you are currently strong then it could be an interesting year to grow your business in what will no doubt be a stagnant market through mergers and acquisitions. It all depends on the size of your business and the depth of your pockets. If you wish to acquire, then I am sure there will be smaller or weaker agencies willing to take your money off you but will the banks lend you money? Will you be willing to give away a percentage to an outside investor, will you be prepared to put your own money where your mouth is? If you wish to find targets to approach then there is nothing wrong with writing directly to them! That’s what happened to me, but I understand that there is a little of ‘I will show you mine, if you show me yours’ and no one wants to go first. So instead you could approach an intermediary, i.e. a business set up specifically to ‘do deals’, but you could also approach professional service guys such as accountants and lawyers who act on behalf of other businesses looking to do deals. It can even be initiated through well connected high profile column writing uncle types!
Also remember, you are in a business where the assets walk out of the door so you are only buying people and did those people drive their own business into the weakened position it now languishes in? If so, why would you buy them? Mergers could be a cheaper, but not necessarily better, option. I think there will be lots of types of mergers discussed in 2009. Horizontal – two like-minded businesses joining forces, vertical – between agencies and suppliers getting together, market extensions – two agencies with the same offering but different markets. So there are many options for two businesses coming together. There will be some duff ones too no doubt; remember if one small, stupid, desperate business joins with another small, stupid, desperate company the chance are they will simply create one BIG, stupid, desperate company.
Dear Uncle Carl,
I was made redundant last week, should I turn my back on this industry or is it worth soldiering on through the tough times until the good times return?
Yes, you shuffle away with your tail between your legs because your heart was obviously not in the ‘industry’ in the first place. Surely if you really wanted to be in this industry for your own personal goals, then you won’t simply walk away because you were unlucky enough to be in the wrong agency at the wrong time. Being made redundant does not make you bad at what you do and other would-be employers recognise that – it’s more a reflection on the management abilities of your previous employer. There are still jobs to be had, agencies are winning new business, new clients are coming into the market, and new agencies are being created all the time.
So the question is, has the industry turned its back on you or have you decided to turn your back on the industry? This slow down is our current environment; it’s the same for everyone but what isn’t the same is how you choose to react to that environment. So you have been kicked, you know it doesn’t feel good but it’s not the end of the world. Get back in the fight and learn from it, ask more questions about your next employer’s business track record and when you are working again take an interest in how the business is run and always do your absolute best every day on every client and every job so your name will never appear on the ‘who has to go list’.
Dear Uncle Carl,
I know that you are just an uncle and not a prophet, but what do you think this new year will hold for us lot in the marketing services industry? In short, what should my new year resolutions be? To start-up my own agency? To find a new job? Or to just sit tight and do more of the same… I have, however, been looking hard into the former…
If you have had a dull, nervous or shit 2008 and you do nothing different in 2009 then guess what? Nothing different will happen! You don’t need to be Nostradamus to know that a lot of agencies will struggle and disappear in the New Year. I think there will be a lot of ‘right sizing’ as agencies realise they are out of shape. There will also be agency owners retreating to their comfort zones and getting the agencies back to a size or shape they feel they can manage and they will probably roll their sleeves up and get involved again. It is hard running an agency, it is harder running one that is a good business and it will be made even harder next year.
So, to your question as to whether you should you tight? Why not? You can hope that your agency, role, income and mortgage are safe but be prepared that you are not in control of your destiny and that can be scary. You can jump ship – your employer might breathe a silent sigh of relief as it could save others their jobs. Then you are alone to plough your own furrow. The downturn in the sector may indeed provide a host of opportunities for the lone trader, the smaller agencies who can survive on the ever reducing budgets, who are willing to go the extra mile, who can turn the job around at double quick time, none of which are great models to build a long term successful business but it could give you a hell of a ride in 2009 – good luck.
Dear Uncle Carl,
One of my colleagues has a very unnerving habit of disappearing to the loo for what seems like hours on end. In fact, I have taken to timing his trips. And they are averaging out at over 40 minutes a pop (or plop!). He will do this every day, no matter how busy or up-against-it we are. Usually twice. And never at his lunch break. Should I report him to management. It’s getting beyond a joke…
Er, first thing, you are a bit odd timing people’s trips to the loo – how much time do you have on your hands? Or is this a time and bowel-motion study? If he is a ‘mate’ then why not ask him? Do it in the style of a concerned chum, ‘look you’re not George Michael but people are starting to talk about your cubicle sabbaticals and that you seem in no rush to flush!’ Failing that if it really is affecting your performance then tell HR as there may indeed be a problem but bear in mind it could just be IBS or a severe bout of constipation. As for not doing his jobbie-wrestling at lunch time – he would not be the first person to only answer the call of nature on company time rather than his own – his thought being I’m producing crap and getting
‘Paid for pooing’, well it’s double the pleasure really isn’t it. If your cubicle-loving colleague is spending so much time on the pot then it’s equivalent to a day per week; that’s really quite impressive, disturbing, but impressive. I had a member of staff who used to engage in similar long term toilet trips to smoke (pot); I know my staff headed to the cubicles to text or call the recruitment agencies; I had one who disappeared to nap and I had another who used to drink alarming amounts of vodka – we only found out as the cleaners were tired of clearing away the empty bottles. And they are only the ones I found out about! There are many sordid and occasionally serious reasons why people duck out of work for unusual lengths of time, so handle with care and don’t forget to wash your hands.
Dear Uncle Carl,
I’ve been a copywriter for years but I feel like I’m getting too old for this. I look round the studio and all I see are trendy young wankers with daft haircuts and even stupider ideas – one of the cocky little sods even called me ‘granddad’ the other day. The sad thing is, I am old enough to be the parent of half of these punks. Assure me Carl that a trendy fringe, acne and a hip MP3 collection are no match for experience and wisdom. Or is advertising just a young man’s game?
Welcome to my world, pull up a comfy chair, a blanket for your knees, a hip flask and let’s reminisce… First of all you need to either get a sense of humour or get the fk out of the industry. I’m afraid if you are the wrong side of 40 then you are a granddad. Personally, I love the tousle-haired young scally wags, their confidence, their vigor, their bad skin and soon to be crushed hope and aspirations – bless ‘em all I say. Remember you once thought you were ‘trendy’ – they don’t use that word anymore by the way granddad, also you too once had a ‘daft haircut’ – again though they would not say ‘cut’, they would say ‘styled’ and you too were (and maybe still are) a ‘wanker’ and who is to say their ideas are ‘stupid? Are you the only one allowed to have a good idea? Are you the only one experienced enough to judge what a clever idea is?
Actually, I cannot welcome you to my world as you have made your own miserable bitter and twisted world, one in which you obviously didn’t achieve what you hoped, you did not turn out to be the next Ogilvy or Bird so you resent the next generation. Is it true that youth is wasted on the young? – I believe you think so. So I say to you my grey-haired, toothless, piss-smelling, old friend as you did not obviously become the agency owner who sold before his expiry date became painfully obvious to all around him, and you never got to write the great novel which you felt you had in you but everyone else knows you don’t then there are only two choices ahead for you, you have to go ‘freelance’ or become a teacher – I wish you well, I said I WISH YOU WELL! oh never mind deaf old sod.
Dear Uncle Carl,
One of our competitor agencies made a big song and dance about re-branding itself. They now have a new logo, flash website and a ridiculously pretentious company slogan – but they still employ the same staff who‘ve been churning out crap for years. Do clients really fall for this? Surely an agency’s portfolio of work should account for more than their image?
Yes, I’m afraid they do fall for it, they are simply consumers after all and as consumers we all fall for it in some way. Their image is the ‘sizzle’ around their ‘sausage’ of an offering. As you said they haven’t really changed their offering, their staff, their clients, their philosophy, their location, their ethos – well not to your knowledge anyway and perhaps not yet. They may have simply re-packaged, so you have to ask yourself why? Are they trying to escape some old, less sexy or more negative image? Are they attempting to move into a different sector or specialism? Are they distancing themselves from past mistakes, misdemeanors even past staff or management? They must have decided there was no value in their existing brand and that it no longer suited their current offering. Also why wouldn’t they make a song and dance about it? You would, I would! But don’t worry your empty little head about it, all it says is they don’t have any actual ‘news’ to talk about, no client wins, no awards, no new staff; in fact, it could be a smoke and mirrors way of hiding a ‘down-sizing’ or recognition of a loss of core competencies. I have seen re-brands when companies are running away from outstanding debts, I have seen re-brands when a business has been acquired but doesn’t want the outside world to think it was anything other than an merger of equals. The reasons can be many. All I do know is that there is a very good chance the reason they have re-branded is simply because they have a new creative team in place – every fkg year I was approached by the latest x-box playing, magic marker sniffing, (ask your old creative director what they are) scruffy, sod lightweight ‘same-difference’ creative team saying I ‘needed’ a new brand for the agency– as if they had half a fkg clue about brand value and how to build a brand in the first place – my guess is your competitors may just have such a new annoying team on board.
Dear Uncle Carl,
I feel that the design agency that I work at lacks a real sense of creativity. From the tartan carpets and brass chandeliers in the office to the hold music and even the old work on the wall, it just seems to be harking back to a different age (namely the early 80s). Now I like my colleagues and am very grateful for the opportunity that they have given me, but how can we create a more, well, creative atmosphere?
Three sentences, each one containing the word ‘I’, yet your question is ‘how can WE create a creative atmosphere?’ Are you one of those magic marker sniffing, x-box creative lightweights I mentioned in the previous question? Doesn’t the creativity come from the YOU, the people in the building and not from the building itself? I know some great creatives and creative solutions that came from real shit-hole looking agencies – does it really matter? Are you using your ‘creative’ argument to justify the fact you don’t like the décor to hide the fact that perhaps you are not that creative but it can’t be your fault so it must be the fault of the fkg carpet? But let’s pretend that’s not the case and you are a frustrated creative genius who can only truly produce ideas of unimaginable creativity when cocooned in an agency borne of Foster/Wright/Macintosh. I personally was always open to re-painting the building, hanging new work etc, I just wasn’t going to do it myself or spend loads of money hiring interior designers and decorators to pander to some fkg junior creative oik who probably still lived at home with his/her mum and dad or rented some shitty dive bedsit with crap furniture, posters on the wall with the belief that Changing Rooms was the height of Interior Design – you know who you are. If, however, they came up with the scheme, the ideas, and did the work themselves then I let them do it. So why don’t you stop moaning and criticising and offer to make the changes yourself – and then you can look forward to the arguments that will surely follow over what shade of yellow the reception should be and then you will realise why no one has dared try to redecorate for over 20 years! It might also surprise you to know your ‘bosses’ are trying to run a profitable business and not trying to get your agency into the next edition of fkg Home and Garden. By the way, I did, however, pick the phone music myself… Yazoo, Blancmange, Bros, Curiosity Killed the Cat, Bananarama…. And now you don’t know if I’m joking or not do you?
Uncle Carl, Happy New Year.
Do you make New Year resolutions? And if you do, do you keep them?
New Year resolutions… mmm not really. I set myself goals and things I want to do and of course I do them – I’m Uncle Carl.
But I don’t just wait until I’m surrounded by drunken friends and family to create a list of aims that I will forget or fail to do even while the lament of Auld Lang Syne still reverberates around my aching head.
The problem with New Year resolutions is that they state what you won’t do and people don’t work like that. “I won’t eat cake” just makes you think about eating cake! You should make resolutions not to stop old habits but to start new positive habits; “I will eat more carrots”, then you will find there is a positive feeling attributed to the new resolution and you are much more likely to stick to it and lose the bad habit – I never resolve to stop doing things, I resolve to do new things – try it.
Dear Uncle Carl,
My wife is expecting our first child in the spring. I am, of course, hugely excited about this new addition, but I’m worried that the hours I keep at work will impact on my home-life. I am used to working late into the evenings, but I don’t want to keep on doing this… But how do I let my boss know I can no longer work the long hours he is used to me working. I’m worried – especially since we have cut right down to just the “essential” staff following a difficult year – that I will not be able to leave at 6.00pm as I hope to.
Congratulations first of all on your impending Bambino. As you have said, your agency has already cut down to the essential staff and you are still there so that’s not a bad place to be. As for seeking permission from your boss to go home, he is your employer not your fkg owner. The advent of your child shows you have a pair of balls so what do you do, leave them at home in a drawer? Take them to work with you. The truth is my little dad-to-be is that NOTHING is more important than your family – you just don’t know it yet, but the moment they have wiped the blood and mucus off that screaming and shitting bundle of milk-guzzling, wrinkled offspring of yours and handed it over to you, your world will change. You are trying to make decisions and worry about issues that will no longer be as important to you once you have your baby, trust your uncle Carl. Between you and me, I got it wrong first time around and worked too hard and my marriage didn’t work out and I didn’t see my baby grow up; no job is that important. Happily my ex-wife, unlike a lot of my ex-business partners is a great friend and we have a fabulous son. Just do your best at work and go home and support your wife, as a parent you will be ‘working’ the longest hours possible so take your paternity leave and I guarantee your priorities will shift; you can be a good dad and a good employee I promise. I recently read that 62% of people in PR agencies feel they are missing out on spending time with their children – don’t be one of them. Can I also take this opportunity to really empathise (I know I am getting soft) but I too will become a dad again in the Spring and trust me from my past experience you will probably WANT to spend more time at work once junior gets home. Good luck… to us both.
Dear Uncle Carl,
I was recently forwarded a rude email that wasn’t intended for me from one of my staff members. I was actually quite taken aback by the content of this “joke” email. I immediately pulled up the member of staff in question and warned him. But should I be setting in place guidelines that disallow staff to share “jokes” on the email – or even go as far as banning the use of Facebook and Bebo sites at work too? Or should I turn the other way and stop “stifling their creativity”?
First thing, as I have said before, the creative output of an agency has fuck all to do with the amount of hours your badly dressed creative teams spend on social NOT-working sites, so stopping them playing about on MyFace or whatever will not ‘stifle their creativity’ it will simply make them sulk like the spoilt brats they are. Perhaps if there was a Facebook Group called ‘I pissed about on social sites when I was at my agency which was struggling at the time and had to downsize and they picked on me and now I am redundant’ people could see that group grow by the day and think “fook me perhaps I should get some sodding work done!” As for the rude email, it also happened to me. Some dickless no-name in my creative department sent a ‘joke’ and I was copied in and although it didn’t upset my legendary sensitive nature, I could see it might upset others. The chap was told that he had not thought that although he found it amusing it could upset others, and if those ‘others’ complained, then the company who has a duty to protect its employees, would have to take action and his not-so-funny-ass would be toast.
You should send company emails to all staff members (so as not to ‘pick’ on any one hapless individual), updating them on acceptable uses of internal email systems and also guidelines from trade bodies and legislative organisations on issues such as appropriate behaviour, sexual harassment, discrimination etc. And if they did then break those guidelines they would be subject to the company’s disciplinary process. Rude emails can be interpreted as offensive, racist, discriminatory and therefore you as a business may be liable, so enforce the rules now before you get in to trouble!
I read recently that 65% of UK businesses monitor their staff’s usage of the internet – perhaps rather than turning them off you simply let all your staff know you are watching and then perhaps they will stop arsing about and get to work.
Dear Uncle Carl,
As all media channels, business analysts and general punters are predicting a scary 2009 for most businesses, how should I incentivise my staff to make sure the agency is getting their full efforts. Or should the fear of redundancy be a motivating factor in itself?
Have you not had the ‘full efforts’ of your staff up to this point? This really hacks me off and shows why so many two bit ‘agencies’ fail – which you obviously aren’t are you?! – Why the fk do you wait until things get a bit shitty to start thinking about how you should manage your business and your staff? You should be thinking how to recruit the best talent, how to train them and incentivise them every single fucking day you go into the office, that’s your job numb-nuts. But no, you obviously don’t put your people at the top of your list of priorities until you realise that things are not as easy as they have been in previous years and that your only real assets, your people, may get nervous about your business and jump ship to somewhere or someone who actually doesn’t take them for granted. If you think your people will work harder for fear of redundancy then you’re even more stupid than I thought. If they think that your agency is heading toward ‘down-sizing’ then I assure you, they are not simply clinging on and hoping (well perhaps the rubbish ones are) the good ones are already looking to dump you and run – and then you will be screwed. Forget for a moment there is a ‘recession’ and run your business ‘properly’ and profitably – focus on your clients needs, your staff needs and your business goals. Stop just fucking making it up as you go along, you are kidding yourself you are running an agency – you are not and therefore you cannot moan when it all goes to custard, but you will have the excuse of ‘oh well there was a recession on’ that will keep you warm and cosy on the long lonely nights ahead. Good luck.
Dear Uncle Carl,
To save money in these times of economic woe, I’ve started bringing in a packed lunch. I leave it in the fridge, as the smell of my eggy sandwiches would make me rather unpopular in the office… But recently, my sandwiches have started moving. Not by themselves. But I think one of my colleagues is stealing them. I’ve tried labeling them. And have even tried to set a trap, balancing a semi-opened bottle of milk on top of them to try and catch the culprit out… But it’s a big office and I can’t figure out what to do. Any advice?
Now I’m no Jamie Oliver but here we go. First thing is stop eating ‘eggy sandwiches’ – sounds bleeding disgusting. To find the culprit, find the person who has no sense of taste or smell and sits at their desk under a Viz like cloud of eggy-guff aroma – I want to gag! Second, stop the balancing-milk-on-your-sandwich exercise; sounds like a Tracey Eminn exhibit, as it obviously doesn’t work and be more drastic. I once saw James Bond leave a hair across a door frame to see if anyone entered his room while he was off devouring as many women as he possibly could; I never saw him order an ‘eggy sandwich’ by the way, So why don’t you pluck a hair of the short and curly variety, ideally your own, and leave that atop said sarnie? That should put them off. Or why not simply invest in Tupperware and keep under your desk if you must continue to eat such god damn awful concoctions?
Dear Uncle Carl,
I haven’t had a wage rise for well over a year now. But now, especially, I am not sure if it is even appropriate to ask, with staff being made redundant and leavers not being replaced. With the cost of living increasing so much, though, every penny counts. One further question, sorry. Should wages go up with inflation, as I have never received an inflationary increase?
Thought this was a begging letter to start with then, I nearly had a coronary! ‘Leavers not being replaced’ can be a very sensible way of re-evaluating your business and taking the opportunity to ‘right size’ your agency. Redundancies demonstrate that your clients needs have changed or the ‘market’ has changed and as a result, your agency needs to change accordingly. But in your case your agency hasn’t shut up shop, so there must be still fortunate, but valued, people like yourself there contributing – and that contribution deserves rewarding.
I appreciate your concern over the fortunes of your less fortunate colleagues and the state of the business but you should still feel you can at least have the conversation with your employer over future opportunities to raise your earnings. As you say, at least an acknowledgement of a cost of living rise, whatever that is now – 2-3%?
In my past life I had three levels of rises which were discussed with managers; cost of living, for people who came in and did the job they were paid to do, but added little value beyond their job description or had taken no steps to try and improve themselves over the year. Then, ‘discretionary’ which was anything as recommended by line managers for salaries that needed to ‘catch-up’, or for individuals who had performed above and beyond the call of duty – and not just for the month before the pay reviews; we were not fucking stupid. And finally, there was the ‘sod all’ pay reviews for anyone on disciplinary or who had failed to deliver what was expected of them. These are indeed tough times but employers have to realise that once they have ‘right-sized’, they have to retain the talent they have for when times get better. Otherwise, all that will happen is that people like you will hold onto their jobs and as soon as there is an alternative, you will jump ship and who could blame you. Good luck with your chats, tread carefully.
Dear Uncle Carl,
We are close to completing a management buyout – a deal that has been in the pipeline for over a year now. However, the trade press have been sniffing about it. And if they cover the deal, before the i’s are dotted and the t’s crossed, I fear that the value – or even the deal itself – could be affected. Is there anything I can do to avoid this?
Oooh I do like an MBO. A year in the making though? Fook me, I’m not surprised it’s ‘leaked’! I’m only annoyed I don’t know who you are? I have to say my deal-making chum, that if it’s a year old and you haven’t crossed the ‘t’ and dotted the ‘i’s and now we have now hit a downturn then it either isn’t going to happen at all or if it does, someone will be taking a spanking! And I have a feeling it will be the MBO team who are possibly buying a business on a multiple of past trading profits in a declining market – not a great move. As for keeping it under wraps, I think you have to admit it’s ‘out there’ and it’s a matter of time before some lazy journo prints a half-assed story, so just ensure the people who matter such as staff, clients and even suppliers are kept in the loop as much as legally possible. When it does hit the press then you can always deny it like Poulters did with their sale… and their troubles…and there imminent closure… On second thoughts, just be ‘unavailable for comment’ and say nowt, less said sooner mended as mummy Hopkins always says. But allow your old Uncle Carl to make a prediction – your deal…it will never happen. Let me know if I’m right.
Dear Uncle Carl,
This might not sound like a problem, but as a relatively small and relatively new design agency we have been hugely busy. Busier than I ever thought we would be, attracting some great clients. So far, this doesn’t sound like a problem, does it? Well, my problem lies in that fact that being relatively small and relatively new – and not launching as a break away from another local agency (but straight from college) – I am finding it very hard to attract top staff from the area. How could I go about doing this?
Hurray, someone who is busy! Busier than you ‘thought’, you set the bar pretty low eh? So Joe-College ‘you just can’t get the staff’, age old problem I’m afraid. Could be a few things; one, you may be busy but busy doing what? Creating ‘brands’ for the local tanning salon, doing POS for the Off-licence on the high street, the latest brochure for a firm of solicitors? What I’m saying is, are you busy on real, quality, ongoing, and growing accounts where you do ‘real’ work and not quick-print type production? Secondly, busy does not equal profitable, as many agencies are finding out. So, are you offering the right kind of money to draw the attention of the great swathes of unemployed talent available at the moment? Thirdly, why would someone who is ‘top staff’ come to a two-minute wonder, no name, no history, no trading, no brand agency run by someone fresh into the industry who they are old enough to be the father of – I say that with respect of course. Problem is, you literally are the new kid on the block and why would people risk working for a ‘new kid’ when at the moment the ‘old boys’ are struggling like fuck? My advice is don’t recruit but get freelancers in (there are lots around oddly enough), deliver good work, pay your freelancers early, learn about your business and yourself and find out if indeed you do have a business. This will also help you understand what type of people you may need in the future – you’re only a baby so take baby steps.
Dear Uncle Carl,
Our agency is developing what we think is a unique tool for the creative industries. We are looking to try and attract VC funding, what is the best way to do this? And in the current climate, can creatively-led business expect to attract funding at all?
There are many ways to find Vulture Capitalists – sorry, Venture Capitalists. You can be as basic as googling them – simply type in “percentage-hogging, paperwork-creating, exit-focused, risk-averse freeloaders”, or some similar phrase and up they will pop! Alternatively, accountancy firms can be another good source of contacts but there are lots of types of would-be investors who prefer and feel more comfortable in different sectors. You could talk to other people who have done deals in your sector to find a corporate VC or perhaps an individual ‘angel’ who has some understanding of your ‘creative’ sector which may prove more fruitful and provide a quicker process.
Do I think there will be funding out there? Of course I do, there is always a deal to be done if you have the right plans, profits and track record. Be aware my little entrepreneur that what you should be looking for from any potential VC is not simply a wedge of cash but contacts, influence and imagination. Your Uncle Carl had a VC once who only, reluctantly, brought money to the table… and it wasn’t a lot… and it was very expensive. So go steady – what looks a good deal now might be a crushing weight in better times – and those times will return… one day… eventually. Happy Days.
Dear Uncle Carl,
The agency I work for has been appointed by a client that I consider to be morally bankrupt. It’s not an account that I’ll feel comfortable working on, but I’m just a humble creative, and can’t afford to upset my pay masters. Should an agency and its staff take the moral high ground and turn down businesses with questionable ethics – regardless of how much they’re paying – or should we all just be like lawyers who make a case for people who are guilty as sin because, after all, it’s just a job?
Oh jeez a creative with a conscience, what next, account managers with opinions? I am now intrigued as to what dastardly business this is; ambulance chasers, debt collectors, sub-prime lenders, vivisectionists, tobacco peddlers. I suppose I should say good for you, my little moralistic mac-monkey, for having some principles. I’m not sure who you think you are to be passing judgment on the state of other people’s morals funding positions, bankrupt or otherwise. It’s this simple; your ‘paymasters’ obviously have no trouble with the morality or financiality (made up word) of your newest client so you simply have to make your boss aware that you would be uncomfortable working on the account. But then you may have to look at the morals or ethics of every account you work on and if you dig (and often not very deeply), you may find issues of many kinds that could upset your finely balanced moral position and down you will tumble from your moral high ground.
Issues ranging from working for large retail brands that are killing local retail and small towns while bullying their suppliers, big brands that utilise child labour in sweat shops, food and drink retailers who fix prices from third world countries, financial institutions selling mortgages to people who cannot afford them, medical businesses experimenting on animals and selling over-priced drugs to people who need them most, the list could go on. As you sit there in your little ivory tower and white suit you might find there are very, very few clients you can work on unless you turn a blind eye. Or maybe you have simply spotted a gap in the agency market for a ‘fair trade’ agency – so go for it, in the mean time chat with your boss.
Dear Uncle Carl,
We’ve just lost a massive account to London and the bosses are going to have to make redundancies. Having worked on that piece of business solidly for years, I’m likely to get the boot. But the London agency that has won the account is obligated to take me on through TUPE if I agree to move. I’m in a quandary. Do I move a couple of hundred miles along with the account to an agency that might not even really want me there, but at least guarantees me employment. Or do I stay where me and my family are settled and risk being out of a job soon?
I have said before on these hallowed pages that I think TUPE is sTUPEd… stupid… you know what I mean. If you were in, say, manufacturing and you were part of some ‘systemised’ process and your employer lost an account, then I can see how you can take your skills to the new manufacturer and carry on. But in ‘our game’ and in your situation, the client has moved because they want new ideas, better servicing, perhaps simply a London postcode on their agency letterhead or they aspire to lunch in Charlotte Street? Whatever their reasons, they have pretty much said ‘we don’t want you’.
So back to you, you may think you are likely to get the boot but you don’t know for certain. You worked on the account for many years so you must be good at what you do and you will be expensive to get rid of! There may be others who have not got your skills, loyalty (or redundancy costs) who may go first. You are right to think of your family; is a risky move to somewhere you are not really wanted really worth the upheaval and potential loss of your partners’ job, or schools for your kids, or your own family support network, your own contacts within the agency world?
Also, don’t kid yourself, the village of London is not paved with gold and endless jobs, times are tough there too and the cost of living there is even more expensive. Look, there are no ‘guarantees of employment’ anywhere, under any circumstance, at any time least of all in todays world – unless you are a civil servant of course. If I were you I would do my job, believe in my own abilities and see what happens in my agency. If the worst happens, trust me you are not alone and there are jobs out there for people like you who have shown skill, commitment and loyalty. Also do not forget your agency will be on the lookout for new business – they need people like you to do it! Best of luck.
Good hearted Uncle Carl,
I’ve noticed over the last few months – it’s been hard not to – that a lot of specialist service agencies have been launching PR arms to their companies. Is this an area more companies should look at as a potentially strong revenue stream if good people can be employed? We’re certainly thinking about it.
As the regular readers and members of the Uncle Carl appreciation society will know the lovely Mrs Uncle Carl is herself a PRacticioner, so I tread carefully on this subject. I have noticed this trend too. I myself bought a PR business, prior to that I thought it was’ fluffy bolloxs’ – now there’s a disturbing image – but I quickly became an advocate for several reasons; it’s not a difficult ‘sell’ to clients as it strokes their egos and they like to see their names in the paper especially if they can say ‘well it wasn’t my idea, my agency says it will create business’. Also it’s fairly well accepted that it won’t have an instant positive impact on your business but a long term and not so measurable, but feel good factor type effect… hence the ‘fluffy bolloxs’ images it has. And finally, it’s an industry that naturally draws to it some very pretty ladies – which is nice.
Seriously, I found PR very profitable. I think it’s an easy set up and an easy sell with high conversion rates. In lots of cases it’s not particularly accountable but it tends not to be particularly costly so clients tend to scrutinize other areas of their marketing spend first, oh it’s more fun than buying adverts. Down side is it’s full of fucking hair-brained lightweight wannabees who couldn’t cut it as copywriters and who aren’t organised enough to be account handlers and who wouldn’t understand a marketing or brand building strategy if it was written in single syllable words in crayons and came free with a bottle of pink champagne. Also although it’s relatively inexpensive as a marketing channel it can be seen as a luxury by clients and turned off quickly. The problem will be that if lots of agencies are offering a PR service, they will need people and there will not be enough good ones to go around. So your good ones will become (more) expensive and lots of bad ones will get jobs which will deliver a bad service to more clients which will give the true PRofessionals a bad name and a hard time convincing prospects it can be an effective channel. Also the service will become more ‘commoditised’ and offers of payment by results will kick in, deals will be done, agencies will ‘buy’ business and the margins will get thinner… makes me shudder! I have said If I were starting an agency tomorrow it would be PR or SEO, but happily I’m not so I won’t… but everyone else is it seems and good luck to them – here come the cowboys is my warning.
Dear Uncle Carl,
I am in the process of starting my own business. However, it is starting to take up a lot more of my time… So much so that it is starting to encroach on my current job as an account director at a busy ad agency. I can’t really afford to leave that job until my new business is underway, but I feel that it would benefit my business – and probably my employer’s business too, given that my mind isn’t fully on the job.
PS this new business has nothing to do with my current job.
Okay you little toad, let me let you into a secret; every agency owner reading this, every man, woman, child or halfwit owner has read your first two sentences and thought ‘you cheeky fucker, I hope your business fails, you get found out and your ass gets fired’ – trust me, I am right. Obviously I don’t think that as I’m not an agency owner – but I fucking would have done!
Some poor sap, your boss, is getting up every day to go to run their business, the one that pays you, they are probably struggling making ends meet and have big decisions to make, decisions that costs people’s jobs and livelihoods and all the time you are fiddling about in your back bedroom trying to get your own enterprise off the ground. I’m glad you have started to have at least a pang of guilt. Nowadays I spend a lot of my time talking to groups about enterprise and encouraging them to follow their own dreams and goals. So with my enterprise head on I would say to you, strap a pair of balls on and commit to your new venture, for it to succeed it will probably need your full attention and to spread your focus across two areas is probably doing neither of them the justice they deserve nor will you be exploiting the full impact of your talents on either venture. As you say, your news to try your own thing may be welcomed by your boss in these downsizing times, perhaps there is even a half way house, you get off his pay roll and he brings you back as a part-time consultant/freelancer which will give you some income and the freedom to explore the new venture. I applaud your desire to start something new for yourself and I wish you luck but put yourself in your boss’s shoes – how would you want him to act? Don’t be a schmuck
Dear Uncle Carl,
This is not another letter complaining about my unreasonable boss – it’s his company, he can be as unreasonable as he wants. But when it starts to impact on the work we are doing we need to do something, surely? How can I stand up for what I think is right when, on an off day, he will argue black is white (when it obviously isn’t), and to hell what anyone else thinks? Then the very next day, he changes his mind again and questions why we have been doing what we have been doing while trying to meet his last “request.” How should we meet all his demands?
Sounds like my first boss; what a pain in the arse he could be, he was never wrong and if he wanted your opinion he would give you it. I remember we had a ‘creative disagreement’ and he simply told me to ‘fuck off home’ …so I did – it was nice to have the afternoon off and know he was stuck on his own having to do the job!
The simple thing is you cannot change him or his approach I’m afraid and you never will. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, I would say he is full of ideas, fast moving and spinning a lot of plates and ‘passionate’ about everything he does. The only thing you can change is how you react to him and interact with him and put in place ‘buffers’ between you and your teams. I did it for years with my second boss, the lovely but intense Judith Donovan. In fact it wasn’t just bosses, I also had an ‘ex’ who wanted all sorts of ‘stuff’ her way. I would do ‘stuff’ and then she would change her mind and we would argue, then it dawned on me once her instruction or desire had been issued she ‘moved on’ to the next thing. So I simply started saying ‘yes, great idea, we should do just that’ to her often bonkers requests. Then I waited, never long, until she either totally forgot or moved on to the next thing and I trundled off and did what I wanted in the first place. If you know your boss will change his mind and have selective memory loss then my advice is when he tells you what he wants, immediately tell him what you believe he has asked you to do. Then write it down so he knows what you are responding to and then…do nothing! What I mean is don’t do anything straight away, if you know he changes his mind 90% of the time, that ‘black is now white’, then wait an hour/half a day/a day and then start the job to the written brief. Let him exercise his bizarre management style on the process rather than on the result. In effect, treat all of his requests like a pillow and sleep on it.
Dear Uncle Carl,
I have started writing a novel in my spare time. It is something that I have wanted to do for a long time. However, now that I am well into the process, I am realising that life really is imitating art. Or art is imitating life. Although not on purpose, my characters have taken on the persona of a number of my colleagues. It probably doesn’t help that the story is set in a busy advertising agency, but… Anyway, I’m worried that those characters/colleagues will recognise themselves in the book when it’s completed (especially my “technology illiterate” boss and the creative director “stuck in the 80s”). Do you think they will mind?
Oh god, please at least be a copywriter or maybe even a creative kinda bod and not some PR girl or account exec who has seen Sex and the city way too many times. A novel about a busy advertising agency – just what the world needs, move over Harry Potter. So is art imitating life or life imitating art… or are you simply writing your own dull diary? They say that there’s a novel in all of us, maybe in your case they meant a navel? Hey who the fuck am I to criticise your literary talent, after all you know when to use the word ‘persona’ so you must be good. And your characterisations seem so unique and imaginative; who other than a great such as Tolstoy, Chekov or Pilkington could have thought of both a ‘technology illiterate boss’ and a ‘stuck in the 80s creative director’? That’s simply genius, I’m laughing out loud already…. Sorry that was a hysterical giggle – it will pass. I am sure it will be a rollercoaster of a tombe full of sexual tension as your love crossed characters make eye contact while photocopying media schedules. How will anyone be able to resist picking up a copy in the airport to accompany them on their flight to a sunny beach; a flight I can only imagine would be improved by the plane nose-diving dart like into a field.
We all work in agencies; the cut and thrust of the Monday morning work in progress meeting, the hurly burly of the weirdo’s glued to the apple-macs producing ad templates for the local garage, the tediously long meeting in glass-walled offices talking over the client’s brand extension, the creative duo coming up with the next D&AD winning solution to selling haemorrhoid creams… You’re right; an advertising agency is a plot rich seam waiting to be mined by a wordsmith such as yourself.
I wouldn’t worry about people spotting themselves in your novel as first of all, you have to get it published and someone has to actually buy the thing so the chances of anyone reading it, let alone spotting themselves before they chose to beat themselves around the head with it in preference to reading such tosh, will be unlikely. One thing I would ask, so you can indeed prove me to be totally wrong about this venture, is simply this; please don’t base it around yourself in some sort of Bridget Jones meets E: A Novel meets The Devil wears Prada all staged within an Ugly Betty type agency… you wouldn’t would you….you have, haven’t you.. oh dear god.
Dear Uncle Carl,
We’ve recently been advertising a couple of sales positions through several channels and have so far received hardly any response after over a month. With the news that the UK has reached 2 million unemployed it seems strange that there has been so little interest. I don’t think we’re a bad company to work for, we’re not bad salary wise either – I’ve checked. What would you advise?
As the proprietor of a rather fab recruitment business I can tell you, you are not alone! Lots of businesses are looking for ‘sales bods’ to keep the pipelines full and gushing with opportunities but most are doing it without a great deal of luck. It’s a job that lots of people think they can do, and even claim to do, but the truth is that the good ones are locked in tight to their current businesses. The problem with sales people is if you can invite them in for a chat then they can give great interviews and make a great first impression – which makes sense as that’s their job. But when it comes to winning business, well that’s a different game altogether. They can be good at selling stationary or insurance but it doesn’t mean they will be good at selling whatever it is you have to offer. I think the best agency sales people can be the ones who own the business! Failing that, ask your own staff if they fancy it, they have the knowledge of your business, sectors, skill bases and systems. They may be looking for a change, perhaps you can incentivise their performance above their current salary and perhaps a change of role may appeal to them as they may be thinking that in this climate, a change of career may be around the corner!
Dear Uncle Carl,
With all the doom and gloom around at the moment I’m finding myself getting quite stressed out (not crazy like a madman stressed out, but enough for the odd sleepless night). Do you have any tips on how to unwind after a tough day in the office? And can you ever truly switch off from your job (…and ignore the emails, the phone etc…) if you’re passionate about your work?
I am not sure you can ever turn off I’m afraid, you simply try to dull the pain! First thing you could do is turn off your phone/pda/blackberry. I always have mine on but rarely have the sound turned up! Phones are so fucking intrusive, they sit in your pockets or car or on your sofa ringing, buzzing, vibrating, beeping, squeaking, singing, barking for your attention; ‘answer me, answer me, look at me’. They are worse than a sodding baby. I never answer calls if a name doesn’t pop up that I know and if they don’t leave a message I don’t call them back – sod ‘em. As for unwinding, each to his own really, partake of wine or women, exercising or relaxation, solitude or crowds. And the best way to ensure a night’s sleep is to direct your passion for work to a passion for your partner and if you’re on your own in bed still thinking of work perhaps you should think of a… well it’s two letters different to work – figure it out.
Dear Uncle Carl,
Despite having a great client list – with a good mix of bluechip and smaller, independent brands and doing a wide array of digital work for them – we want to show our technical (and creative) skills in certain areas that we have not worked with clients in before. Online e-commerce is one main area that we want to target. We have identified a couple of clients that would like to work with us in this area, but they have no budget to do so… Is it worth our while working for free on these (smallish) projects to be able to have proven work to show future clients in this area? Or is there anything else we can do to bolster our credentials?
I think if you are making money and all is well with your main business then what a fabulous time to speculate and go and get new business; too many agencies wait until new business is an imperative and then they are forever filling up a leaking bucket. So yes, go after new business, and as you are obviously an independently owned agency I like the fact that you have targeted specific areas you believe you can make a difference in and are considering doing some very speculative work. If the prospects, for they are not yet clients… well not yours, do not have a marketing budget, now or in the future then no, I wouldn’t chase them – what’s the point in that? If you want to do some pro-bono work then go do it for a charity and at least get a warm fuzzy feeling as you ain’t getting any cash. If, however, the prospects simply have no spare budget NOW but have spent money with other agencies then why not create something just for them, an e-comm solution – what better way to demonstrate not only your skills but also your interest and desire to work with the prospect? As for payment, why not take the first £x of sales/profit that your solution generates to pay you for your initially speculative solution. After that sum the revenues are all your prospect. In effect you are proposing a risk/reward approach, what has your prospect got to lose? You may though have to get them to sign something saying that they will honour your agreement and will not nick neither the intellectual property nor the forthcoming revenues. This approach will not make you popular with other agencies, especially the incumbent, but then again you are not in business to please them are you? so fk em.
Dear Uncle Carl,
Call it paranoia – even though I have very little to be paranoid about (I hope) – but I think my boss might be monitoring my emails. Well, not just my emails but all staff emails. I was just wondering if this is common practice? Or, if the staff haven’t been alerted to the fact that all emails are monitored, is this against the law?
I think a smattering of paranoia is a healthy thing; keeps you on your toes and hopefully one step ahead of the unwashed masses but in this case I think your paranoia is more likely to be less a figment of your imagination and more likely a fact. A fact in so much as a recent survey I read showed that 60% of UK employers monitor their staff emails. Now every employer ‘could’ monitor your emails but more than likely they do not have the time, or the inclination. However, there is a chance that if you are new arrival/have handed your notice in/are a repeat offender for half day ‘dentist’ appointments/in some sort of HR ‘consultation’, then you have put yourself on top of your bosses ‘emails to read today’ list. I certainly did it, oh the things I have read… never to be repeated. As far as I am aware, it isn’t ‘against the law’ and is more likely to be governed by your company handbook or contract of employment. Bear in mind you are using an email system provided by your employer as a tool to do your job and represent their business; they are probably well within their rights to do ‘random’ checks on how those tools are being utilised by their employees. Also as a recent news report demonstrated, more and more employers are checking staff’s social sites and one young lady was fired for saying her job was dull – so bear in mind what you write on your facebook status!
Dear Uncle Carl,
Two of us run a smallish design agency that’s built up a good creative reputation. Unfortunately, we’ve now hit a wall when it comes to bringing in new clients. We’re both from creative backgrounds and, if we’re honest, probably not as savvy when it comes to the new business side as we should be. We’ve been thinking about bringing in a big hitter (someone with a bit of clout in the industry) to try and raise our profile and get some new clients in, but we can’t afford to get burned by a chancer. What qualities should we look for in someone who’ll boost our business and what type of people should we avoid?
‘Smallish’ i.e. you are small – don’t be embarrassed, small is good. There is a natural pattern to business – the excitement of the start-up, the energy (and fear that brings, the growth from a couple of (usually stolen) clients and the quick addition of more business, more projects, then you become ‘full’. The clever ones realise they have to hold on to what they have but also look to add more business and that becomes difficult when the main protagonists are now busy doing the work and holding the clients close to their creative bosom. This means the new business slows down, the business plateaus and if you don’t keep up the new business drive then when you lose a client or two or perhaps a key member of staff leaves then the business stops plateauing and starts to decline and them it snowballs; more staff leave; more clients go and you end up fire-fighting and before you know it you have crashed and burned… sorry what was the question?
Oh new business people, I remember. Bringing in a big hitter is, by its very nature, a big risk and a big investment and you are right to think there are a lot of chancers out there because there are! I think that the new biz person, along with a creative director, are the hardest roles to fill in an agency. I would have a look but bear in mind that no one, I repeat no one, will measure up to you and our successes and commitment of your early years, so don’t expect to find them – you will only be disappointed.
Consider their track record, the success of the agencies they come from, their understanding of the industry, your sector, your ‘type’ of clients – which will help you find new clients, will the chancer fit in with your team, will they be able to provide a return on their salary cost – sorry investment. Also bear in mind it could take a year for them to produce anything worth having. While you are looking, make sure that as a business you have a multi-channel approach to new business; are you doing PR, are your clients and staff ambassadors, are you in the right trade bodies, are you networking at the appropriate prospect events, are you seen as a leader in your sector or commentator in your market, are you doing emails and direct mailings, do you buy advertising, do you have partnership deals with other agencies, could you use a cold calling agency, do you exhibit?… The list goes on and sometime the new business person is simply the co-ordinator of all these things not the originator. So be sure of the shape and needs of your own business before you take a chance on a chancer – good luck.
